On remembering.

Posted on May 21, 2013 by Amy

grey ceiling | on remembering

These bookshelves in my study have been overflowing for months and months. I sat down to clean them, to organize them, and found decade-old memories. In my senior creative writing class, we wrote our memories from each year of school. Kindergarten through twelfth grade. What a treasure. Things I’ve long forgotten. Best friends, twirling lessons, sleep overs, laughter, learning, great teachers, wonderful parents. And that was just elementary school.

I’d forgotten how much I hated middle school. It was awful.

Then high school. So much new. Emotions, growth, friends, spirituality, dreams, hopes. Memories that take my breath away. Like the line that said “then I became friends with so-and-so” … and so-and-so is a long gone part of life, but the memories are so sweet. So breathtakingly sweet. Cheerleading, and church youth group, and yearbook, and boyfriends, and Girls Night Outs, and ten-year-old Honda Preludes with wide-gaping-holes for a sunroof, and angry chick music (and here), and new experiences.

Here I sit, ten years later, with an incredible husband, a lovely home, a job I’d only dreamed of, a college education, and so much more. And knowing that I’ve done it… that I faced life, grabbed it by the horns, and dealt with the things that have come my way (with only the occasional burying my head in the sand). To say I’m grateful for the gifts, the lessons, the memories of the last ten years is an understatement.

Yet, there are things I miss from that time. Like striving for my best instead of perfection. Or living contentedly with enough and the occasional, long-awaited splurge. And my girlfriends (they are now three hours away). Or dreaming like the sky is the limit. And my first car. Oh, that car. Or being nice to people but not sweating it when someone didn’t like me. Or letting myself get angry, or hurt, or upset.

Life takes twists and turns and ups and downs like we’d never dream. These days will pass and ten years will come in their place and life and laughter and joy and pain and love and heartache will flow through our hearts and we’ll sit down in ten years to clean out our bookshelf and have our breath taken away at how quickly the days have gone and how sweet the memories.

Enjoy this day, my friend. It is a gift to be savored in the living and in the remembering.

On sunshine and growth

Posted on May 19, 2013 by Amy

Warm sunshine, my mom’s 50mm lens to play with, and all this lovely green growth in the backyard brightened my day Friday. Such goodness in watching the garden grow, bloom, produce as each day passes. Grateful for the constant reminder that growth never stops, and that the blooms and fruit created from growth are worth the hardship.

On FRIDAY!FRIDAY!FRIDAY!

Posted on May 17, 2013 by Amy

I’m really excited it’s Friday (that wasn’t obvious, right?). I am home for twelve days. In a row. What a beautiful thing.

1. Driving between BTR and MSY is my new happy place. All sunshine, green, vanishing points, country music, quiet, God-time.
2. New Orleans (but not downtown) from above. The mighty Mississippi is incredible. And have I mentioned Louisiana bridges?
3. Sunsets from hotel rooms. This one went orange to pink to deep blue to dark. Amazing the gifts God gives us each and every day.
4. Sunset from the airplane. Even better then sunset on the ground. So grateful for this life He’s given me.
5. My corner office! Err, cubicle. It’s quite peaceful. Two screens = happy Amy.

Joining Lauren for H54F and Jeanette for InstaFriday.

On big-picture trust.

Posted on May 15, 2013 by Amy

My dreams are not my own – or should not be my own – and my attempts to hold those dreams with tightly clutched fingers only stifles these dreams

Many years ago, on a mission trip to Brazil, Susie Shellenberger taught Ephesians 3:20 and how God’s dreams [for us] are so much bigger then we can even begin to conceive. I forget this truth when life is stressful, oppressive, daunting.

God is working in my heart to share these dreams with Him. To let Him breathe life, movement, joy, excitement into these deepest hopes of the heart.

God created me to be a planner, a goal seeker, a get-it-done kind of person. When a dream hatches, the thought is only just articulated before practical plans are furiously laid out in the hallways of my mind. Timelines, financial resources, tasks create a list and, before I’ve even let myself indulge in the dream, I’ve wrangled the dream into a pragmatic box and determined it’s impossible.

God is breathing life, hope, excitement into my heart of hearts. As thoughts, hopes, dreams, ideas flit through my mind, He binds my pragmatism in the corner and reminds me to trust Him. To let go of the need to wrangle; to indulge in the luxury of hope; to let Him breathe life into these concepts.

I’m grateful. I’ve not given this journey the heart and mind space I’d so hoped to give it at the beginning of the year – and yet. Our God is gracious, loving, faithful, and so powerful.

grey ceiling | OneWord2013 trust

Joining Melanie at Only a Breath for this OneWord35 update.

On how to be sick in a hotel on a business trip

Posted on April 21, 2013 by Amy

So, it’s 4 PM on Tuesday afternoon. There you sit, 1.5 days into a 3.5 day business trip, and you realize notice the rawness in the back of your throat. So you swallow, thinking you’re just dry. Nope, the throat is kind of tight, which [as you learned from your mother many years ago] means your glands are swelling – which they don’t just do for fun. Hmm. You roll your head a bit to see how the neck is doing. That’s stiff, too. The “uh oh, I might be fighting something” warning goes off in your brain, but your coworker just made a fresh pot of strong coffee, and you down a cup of its hot black goodness. There, that should fight off any sickness.

Three hours later, your head is foggy and every.single.moving part on your body hurts. Drats. One hour and two calls later, you tell a friend on Communicator you’re going to bed (despite it being early) because you feel like poop – and as you write that message, you wonder why poop is attributed with feeling this way… surely poop only stinks and doesn’t really have feelings? No matter. You’re sick, and you’re in a hotel for two more nights. What to do??

First, put on your pajamas, take our your contacts, and crawl in bed. Call your husband (or your mother, or your best friend, or your boss, or whomever) and try to act like you feel okay. Not great, but not as bad as you feel. Because, let’s face it, you’re in a hotel all alone and admitting how bad you feel will only make you want to cry.

Fortunately, whomever you call knows you better than you think, and they’ll gently remind you they know you aren’t okay. Once you admit you feel awful, whine a little bit about being all alone in a hotel. It will help a teeny bit, I promise. Listen to your trusted advisor when they tell you to take a shower. Talk for a few more minutes, then get out of bed and head for the shower.

Hot. Turn the water as hot as you can stand. Then rotate. Front, side, back, side, front, side… just turn. Stay in the shower as long as you can – way longer than your hot water would last at home – I mean, being sick in a hotel does have a few minor perks. If your nose is stuffy, stay in until its all running out your nose freely (too much information??).

Once you’re finished with the warm goodness of the shower, crawl back in bed, email your PM or boss or client or whomever and ask them if they caught the license plate of the Mack truck that ran you over (<– corny? too bad). Leave your alarm off, turn off the lights, and be grateful you can toss and turn as much as your sick and hurting self needs to alllll night long because you’re the only one sleeping in the middle of a king size bed. In a hotel room. All alone.

Two hours later, you wake up thinking it’s at least 4 AM. Nope – only 11:30 PM. Somewhere in your slow, painful walk to the restroom, you remember there’s a TV in your bedroom – another perk of being sick in a hotel for you have no TV in your bedroom at home! So you feebly flip channels and land on Discover Channel which is showing new Deadliest Catch episodes. Life is suddenly a teeny tiny bit brighter.

You doze off a few hours later, and wake up intermittently through the night – each time gingerly crawling out of bed to use the restroom and assess how badly you ache. Morning finally comes. In the morning light, you remember passing a Walgreen’s a few streets down from your hotel. Cursing your sick brain and wondering why you didn’t think of that the night before, you throw on some clothes and hunt down the Alka Seltzer cold and flu medicine.

Two hours later, after an important-call-you-couldn’t-miss and a shower, you’re convincing yourself its fine to go to work. All you have to do is sit there, and the time will pass. You walk back to the bedroom to get clothes, and daydream about how good the bed must feel. You haven’t actually committed to going to work, so you lay down for-just-a-minute. Mmmm. Yep, a nap is in order. Remembrances of your mother admonishing you “don’t be a martyr” when you were younger flit through your mind as you doze off for what becomes a healing, four hour nap.

The truth of the matter is this: being sick in a hotel stinks, but there’s perhaps no other place in which you can be sick and truly have no guilt in doing nothing. There are no chores to be done, no people to take care of, no pets needing attention, nothing. Just you, aches, and two empty rooms. These days will not last forever, so appreciate them while you can.

On stepping away

Posted on April 20, 2013 by Amy

It’s time for a break for this child of Christ. A break from media (minus the Braves, Deadliest Catch, and Duck Dynasty :-)), a break from the tumultuous voices of Christianity and religion, and a break from creating. It’s time to write for myself (and God) alone again, and it’s time to enjoy gorgeous spring weather. My heart is crowded and the demands of work and marriage are all I truly want to commit to in this season. Call me a fickle blogger if you so desire – but know I hope to come back stronger. No promises that you’ll hear from me in the next two months. :-)

On breathing.

Posted on April 19, 2013 by Amy

A deep breath, a conscious attempt to exhale slowly, and a lot of grace go a long way. The whirlwind of the last month caught up with me at the beginning of this week – last weekend included two naps on the couch while watching the Braves stomp the Nationals, an evening on the lake, and deep sleep each night. I’m sharing my pictures from the week – follow me if you’d like on Flickr or Instagram.

Incredible sunset flying from New Orleans to Atlanta Friday evening. Southern Louisiana is so beautiful.

Louisiana may be beautiful, but it is not home. Saturday dawned moist, bright, green, perfect. This view is one of my favorites in the whole world.

Husband has the green thumb in our family. Two of these beauties found their way to our windowsill. So fresh. Can’t wait to make this pesto with their bounty!

I just love all the old docks on Lake Sinclair. We spent Saturday evening trolling for white perch. We caught three keepers – which we fried up and gobbled down for dinner :-).

Sunsets on the lake are my favorites. I hope this was the first of many. God is so gracious in the gifts He gives throughout each day. What a beautiful blessing!

Uh oh. Blue Bell has done it again – and maybe this one has been around for awhile and I just have discovered it. Nonetheless – oh my. That idea you have in your head about how good this ice cream must be? It’s true. Don’t eat alone – make sure you have someone to take the spoon away. You will need it.

Mmmmmmmmm. Fresh strawberries. Local strawberries. Living in Baton Rouge during the week certainly has its perks!

And then I got sick :-/. Luckily, the folks that make Alka-Seltzer are geniuses, and I survived. Fortunately, I work with incredible, understanding people, and was able to stay “home” in the hotel and sleep it off. Can I just say I hate being sick?!

Linking up with Life Rearranged for InstaFriday and From My Grey Desk for High Five for Friday. Happy Friday!!

On being the best version.

Posted on April 17, 2013 by Amy

grey ceiling | best version of yourself

“I want to be the best version of myself.” This buzz-phrase sticks in my mind lately. Unpacking it’s implications is tied to spirituality, culture, and innate characteristics, and this idea ties in beautifully with a recent determination to learn how to love who God has made me to be.

But this phrase is not at all about me alone. I would argue we’re all doing just that – trying to be the best version of ourselves. In work, at home, with friends, between our ears, spiritually, emotionally, habitually, and physically. Just writing that out exhausts me – much less the attempt at actually trying to be the best version.

To put a qualifier like “best” into that sentence begs for a standard. To have a best, a worst must also exist. To have a best equates best with good so a standard of good and bad must exist – even right and wrong, if I may.

Culturally, we set lots of bests. To pick on the church for a moment, our best version hints at a version of ourselves in line with our Savior, sinning as little as possible, holding to righteous morality, reading-learning-talking of theological issues and questions, and loving others. To shift to education for a moment, our best version is studious, questioning, open-minded, thoughtful, and analytical. In business, our best version is to be responsible, hard-working, knowledgeable, contributing in big and small ways, successful, and a team-player.

I’ve written a lot about the standards between my ears in this space, and I’ve found that analyzing the source of those standards leads me squarely back to cultural standards for our best selves.

But no one can be everything at one time. And, as we are all born sinners, no one can be perfect – which means even being the best version of ourselves will leave room for improvement.

What if our best is a life long struggle with pride? Or lust? Or addiction? Or depression? Or anger?

My best version – as I am learning – grants room for struggle. Even, grants freedom in the struggle. This is life. Do I want to grow and improve and change for the better? Oh, yes. Most definitely. But what if that best never comes close to meeting this cultural standards – especially the standards elevated as “best” in Christian circles?

God loves us anyway. God loves you. God loves me. Whatever our struggle – and we all struggle – the reality is we are the same. We are sinners, in need of a big, forgiving, loving, powerful, mighty God. Lest you point a finger at the person next to you – let’s wear this phrase as a banner over our heads next to the banner of love God waves above us. I’m trying to be the best version of myself. And you’re trying to be the best version of yourself. I’m giving myself room for struggle and learning to love myself despite the struggle, and I’m happy – more than happy, I’m expecting – to extend that same room and desire to learn to love you as you’re trying to be the best version of yourself. I don’t plan on fitting into a pigeon hole in this journey, and I don’t want to confine you to that, either. If the sky is the limit – what is the best version of yourself?

On Trust [a OneWord365 update]

Posted on April 15, 2013 by Amy

We’re four months (?!) into 2013. I wish I could write a grand post on the incredible lessons I’ve learned about trust in these past four months. Instead, I only have one observation.

Trust is constant. Under the surface, the day in, the day out, the quiet, the noise, the rain, the shine, the good, the bad, the hard, the easy, the joyful, the sad – trust lives steady and true under everything in life.

My high hopes of spending copious amounts of time in God’s word and really delving into a walk built on trusting Him have not been realized. I’m poorly disciplined, lack structure, lose attention easily. Unfortunately, all these bad [but human] traits have intersected in these first few months of the year and I am simply glad to have made it thus far.

The questions I plagued myself with last year have returned, and some days its a constant fight to keep the wondering at bay far away where it needs to be. The lesson to simply live in the day is tied to the lesson to trust – in living in today, trust says God knows what He’s doing with the things He has brought into the day.

I debated not even writing an update [as was the case in February and March], but journeys are not always easy and I want the reminder that life is not always a walk in the park – even when we have the greatest intentions of making things all they deserve to be.

I look forward to sharing next month – hope never dies, and the hope of growth and knowledge and wisdom around trust lives strong.

Linking up with Melanie at Only a Breath.

On a long week.

Posted on April 12, 2013 by Amy

Sharing weekly pics from a long week. Follow me if you’d like on Flickr or Instagram.

Saturday – yes, Saturday – brought another trip to the Atlanta airport. My company’s big user conference started Sunday, so I headed to Philly Saturday. I have to admit, I was really happy to see the domestic side of ATL and not the giant, slow line for customs.

The flight from ATL to PHL is really pretty – you usually go over the Chesapeake Bay. I love how the hue of the water varies from a bright blue to a dull brown. On the left is the water from the ocean, and on the right is water in a river.

Want to know a secret? I’m really a nerd. Like, a big nerd. One of my favorite places is 30,000 feet up, software documentation and a bright pen in hand with Adele blaring through my earbuds. It’s better then therapy.

The Philadelphia Convention Center is beautiful (and enormous). This section is a newer section, and the soaring ceiling had wire art depicting the galaxy, stars, and milky way (you know it’s a good representation if I can figure out what it is :)).

The sun set right down the center of a street outside the convention center. Incredible sunsets. Sunsets like this make long days/evenings a bit easier.

I delivered five presentations. One with a client (so much fun), one with a developer – and this included a demo, two on my own, and one with two other consultants. So.much.fun. I’m totally missing any fear of standing up in front of people and talking – in fact, I like it!

Between jet lag from Italy and long days with lots of walking through the Philly convention center, I hit exhaustion Tuesday morning. And by exhaustion, I mean I scouted places for naps in the event I might actually get to take one. Didn’t happen, so I turned to copious amounts of decaf and Diet Coke. I’m a wimp – I can’t handle fully loaded coffee.

Wednesday might have been the longest day of them all. Woke up in Philly, heard a great, inspiring talk in the closing session of the conference, presented my last session, flew to Atlanta – but didn’t go home. Hopped another plane to Louisiana and worked all day Thursday and Friday. If you read my post on loving that I work hard, know that sometimes I roll my eyes at my overzealousness for working. Husband was on the lake fishing in this perfect spring evening.

Thursday night begged for retail therapy. After some awesome finds at Forever 21 (like this, this but in yellow, a black striped blazer, and a comfy white button down), I found popcorn heaven. Must.go.back. Blueberry cheesecake won, but Twix, Wedding Cake, M&Ms, King Cake, Oreo Cheesecake, and Jalapeno Cheddar were so tempting.

I should also mention I am SO excited baseball season is underway. Go Braves (current NL East leaders, thank you very much)!

Linking up with Life Rearranged for InstaFriday and From My Grey Desk for High Five for Friday. Happy Friday!!